I can't believe I chose the mountains
by andthenshe
Summary: ...every time you chose the sea.    Or:  Sha Gojyo, as seen by the Goddess of Mercy


**I can't believe I chose the mountains every time you chose the sea **

**Or: Sha Gojyo, as seen by the Goddess of Mercy**

Rating: PG-13

Notes: I keep coming back to Saiyuki because it is, what you would call, timeless.

Feedback: is most adored

* * *

><p>This is what it looked like in Kenren's head:<p>

It is peaceful and it smells like sweet brandy. In the distance, there is a cherry tree. She liked to climb right on top of the highest branch and wonder out loud, "What did you see up here that was so beautiful that no one else could see?" When she opened her eyes, all she saw was sunlight.

Scattered near the tree are old, dusty books about military tactics. Every now and then, a comic book about pork barbecues would find its way in the pile.

There is soft laughter echoing in the wind.

"This is what Heaven should have looked like," She would say sadly to herself.

Nothing ever changes in here either, but at least there is liquor.

This is what looks like in Gojyo's head:

It is a crowded bar. In the background, there is the sound of cards being shuffled and cue sticks tapping pool. Women fill the room, dozens and dozens of beautiful women with soft hair and curved hips, and every single one of them is just not beautiful enough.

To the side where the barlights don't quite reach the walls, there is a door hidden in darkness. It is locked. Past the door, there is a hallway with flickering lightbulbs. Its floor is drenched in blood and bodyparts. There are red, bleeding flowers growing in the puddles. The hallway leads to a wooden door that is locked and bolted several times. There are chains of iron blocking the entrance. A sign is nailed on that says in a careless scrawl: Fuck off.

Inside is the kitchen in the house Gojyo grew up in. In the center, there stands a woman with sharp nails and acid tears, and she is the most beautiful woman Gojyo has ever seen. Her tears form little round crystals that scatter in every direction. The sound of her voice leaves scratches on the walls.  
>Kanzeon likes to peek in here every now and then, when the rumblings of the bar get too loud. She makes sure to step on the crystals.<p>

"How did you make a child so innocent fall in love with something as hideous as you?" She asks the woman who is always crying.

The woman does not answer. The woman does not even move.

This room is where Gojyo keeps his rage. Oddly enough, it looks exactly like devotion.

* * *

><p>Kenren was tortured and sliced and burnt alive. His skin was pierced by spears and arrows and bullets. Kenren fought a thousand wars and lived through them all.<p>

But he did not know a thing about pain.

Gojyo feels pain at its rawest form every time he looks at a fucking mirror.

* * *

><p>Gods look at the Lower World and they see something that rots of filth in mountains of sin. They see disfigured souls waiting to die.<p>

She sees something else. She sees stars and skin and newborn children taking their first breath of air. She sees life.

This is why she watches them. The demons, the humans, the animals, the banished gods who would rather die on Earth because Heaven is perfect, but it is a prison.

Jiroushen watches with her but he does not understand this. He cannot.

"I can see the stains in their hearts. I can smell the misery on their breath." He says, not unkindly. He feels pity, and it's soft, but it's genuine. "These creatures are flawed from their very core."

She has seen heartache and massacre but she has also seen forgiveness. She has seen love seep quietly through the cracks, pure and forbidden and glorious.

"Of course," She answers him. "But they try."

to get better (but they know they are not perfect), to protect (but they know they are weak), to dream (but they know they are hopeless)

and then they trip and they trip and they scrape the skin right off their knees and their knuckles are bloodied and bare but they get back up and again and again and

"My god, do they try."

* * *

><p>There was Lise from the last town.<p>

And then Xian in the town before that.

There was also Lana and Falene, who may or may not have been sisters.

And then this woman from the bar in the next town with red lips and high heels came sauntering toward him but he did not get her name.

After, Bombshell #1 and Bombshell #2 and Bombshell #3. At the same time.

There was also this quiet one named Anna, whose parents had just died. She couldn't stop crying so he sat with her next to their graves until it was dark and he tried all he could do to make her smile again.

* * *

><p>In between the lingering touches here, and the playful winks there, and the broken whispers of "Don't cry, don't cry, beautiful women shouldn't cry," Kanzeon realizes that Gojyo is looking for something.<p>

* * *

><p>Two days later, a gang of demons surround them.<p>

"Kougaiji's assasins make their weekly appearance," Hakkai says cheerfully.

"You would really call these talentless little shits assasins?" Gojyo snorts. "Too easy. They make me feel like I'm a bad person, like I'm bullying a five year old for candy."

Goku adds, "You don't need demons to make you feel like a bad person, Gojyo."

"What if I accidentally pushed you out of a window?"

"Here's the deal." Sanzo says. "Less talking, more killing."

Kanzeon sits on her throne and starts a body count.

Genjo Sanzo: 1, 2, 3, ..., 10, 11, 12

Sha Gojyo: 1, 2, 3, ..., 14, 15, 16

Cho Hakkai: 1, 2, 3, ..., 15, 16, 17

Son Goku: 1, 2, 3, ..., 19, 20, 21

When Kanzeon turns back, she sees a demon with white skin, and bright eyes, and long black hair sprint towards Gojyo with an axe of all stupid, goddamn things.

Gojyo very carefully rips out the demon's lungs through his throat.

[Sha Gojyo: 1, 2, 3, ..., 15, 16, 17]

She watches Goku who doesn't know who to feel sorry for: Gojyo, whose hands are red and shaking, or the demon who is lying in twelve pieces all over the ground near his feet.

There is one demon left. She spits something vile and tells them that she is looking forward to the glorious day Gyumao rips off their heads and parades their bodies around for all the demons to see.

Kanzeon yawns. They hear this speech every week and the last time, it was from some better-looking demon who could say it with a lot more feeling than that.

"You talk a lot of shit for someone who's about to die," Sanzo says and then shoots the demon between the eyes.

[Genjo Sanzo: 1, 2, 3, ..., 11, 12, 13]

"The last word always has to be yours, huh Sanzo." Gojyo says dryly. His face is relaxed but his fists are clenched and Kanzeon figures that Gojyo is trying very hard to get over whatever issues he's got for demons with long hair and sharp axes.

"I think it's a self-esteem thing." Hakkai says, "It makes him feel important."

"I'm so hungry I could actually cry," Goku says.

"I don't understand why you people talk," Sanzo answers and tells them to get their asses moving lest he loses his shit and kills everybody.

Goku approaches Gojyo.

"Are you okay?" He asks him with such trembling, innocent eyes and how 500 years of rage and animalistic desire was compressed into such a tiny curious little thing, Kanzeon still does not know.

"What?"

Gojyo's hands are still shaking. Goku repeats, "Are you okay?"

Gojyo eventually answers, "Just a weakness. She's just my weakness." He laughs but it sounds terrible. It makes Goku cringe. "Am I going to shut down every time something reminds me of her?"

Goku frowns at him and says very delicately, "The only weakness the enemies can use on you happens to be dead." He looks at Gojyo right in the eye. "So maybe you're not as helpless as you think."

Gojyo looks unsure for a long moment. Eventually, he tells Goku, "It's pathetic how you think you're so cool." Goku gets a punch in the face and a badly-aimed kick in the rear for all his heroic efforts but he doesn't mind at all because Gojyo is smiling again, and Goku doesn't even realize that he was holding his breath.

Later, Kanzeon visits Goku in a dream.

"When the ones you love so dearly make you feel tiny and insignificant, always remember that you are about 500 years older than all of them combined." She whispers in her ear.

Something dangerous glints in his eye, "What the hell are you trying to say?"

"I am trying to say... thank you."

He looks at her suspiciously, "What for?"

"Because you take care of them." She says kindly.

Because he may just be a child, he may just be their naive little monkey to toss around and play with, but every now and then, Goku does something that reminds everybody that he is a lot older than he looks.

"Oh," Goku scrunches up his face like he's thinking. And then he looks up at her and smiles brightly. "You're welcome!"

* * *

><p>Gojyo's soul is a broken record of I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.<p>

So in every woman he kisses, Kanzeon can hear a distant whisper of a nine year old saying, "I just never want to see you cry again, that's all."

In every woman he touches, Kanzeon can feel his heart shattering.

In every smile thrown carelessly over his shoulder, Kanzeon can see the scars he tries so hard to hide.

It first starts as white static. And then in the middle of the night, it gets louder. It gets unbearable.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, and then there is red, and then there is glass breaking, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, and then there is a brother who never came home, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, and then there is a woman who is always crying and a small terrified boy who is begging her to stop, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you are so beautiful when you smile, I love you so much I can't stand it, just let me die, please just let me die, but he doesn't die, and then it hurts, the skin on his face is melting off, he is digging scissors into his scalp, I'm sorry, I'm sorry-

Until there is a sound of someone screaming, and Kanzeon realizes that it is only her.

* * *

><p>Red is the colour of blood and war and misery. Red is the colour of a bomb a split-second before it explodes, the colour of a child that grieves. Red is the colour of rage.<p>

But red is also the colour of courage and beauty and compassion. It is the colour that paints the sky during a sunrise, when a new day is born, and during a sunset, when a new day has grown old and politely bids farewell. Red is the colour of apples that will feed a family, the colour of the longest wavelength of light in a rainbow.

Of course, Kanzeon thinks humourlessly to herself, Gojyo would only focus on the first part.

* * *

><p>Gojyo makes them smile, makes them laugh, makes them fall in love. This is to make up for that one woman he couldn't.<p>

That one woman who now lives inside his head like a parasite.

"Carrying that guilt around is poisonous," Kanzeon points out to Jiroushen on the odd days that he feels like listening to her.

And then somewhere hidden between the rumpled shirt and the unbuttoned pants and maybe even the hundreds upon hudreds of women Gojyo has shared a bed with (but never breakfast), Kanzeon finally understands it.

Gojyo is looking for his mother.

* * *

><p>Sometimes, a goddess walks the Earth. When Gojyo wakes up, he finds one sitting on his bed.<p>

Gojyo cluelessly blinks at her for a few seconds before grabbing his cigarettes, "I really wish my life made sense."

"Do you believe in God?" The Goddess asks him.

"Lady, I am the wrong person to be having this conversation with."

"Really?" The Goddess tilts her head thoughtfully, "You would be surprised with how many gods don't even believe in themselves."

* * *

><p>They pass by the town where Gojyo's childhood house used to be. Used to be, because Gojyo burnt that place down before leaving.<p>

Her grave is still there though. When the wind is too hot, Gojyo can taste her voice itching in his skin.

He stays in the motel. He doesn't come out of the room. Hakkai stays with him, and they play poker until it is dark.

Hakkai isn't quiet though. He cracks jokes. He brainstorms with Gojyo all the new ways Sanzo can paraphrase, "Nothing will make me happier than shooting you in the face and watching you die." He politely insults the inn's choice of bedspread.

"What do you have against baby ducks?"

"They stare at me like they want something," Hakkai says.

And then he makes Gojyo laugh until Gojyo forgets what place he is in.

It is a friendship, 500 years in the making.

* * *

><p>The next time Gojyo sees the Goddess, he is standing in the shade of a tree, waiting for Hakkai to finish his shopping. She appears behind him.<p>

Gojyo does not move. Gojyo closes his eyes and and thinks that maybe if he doesn't turn around, she will go away. There is not enough alcohol in his system to handle this situation without going a little insane.

"You know, everybody told me that you were put back together all wrong," The Goddess says. "Too much fragility, too little diamond."

"Diamond?" Gojyo asks.

"Too little of the impenetrable diamond of a general that the Heavens once boasted."

"I am getting a headache," Gojyo says. "It is going to last until I get into the nearest bar and get drunk enough that I will never have to see you again."

"I don't think so," She continues. "I think you're a lot stronger than who you used to be."

Gojyo sighs, "Is that supposed to mean something to me?"

The Goddess laughs. "No, I guess not."

Gojyo lights a cigarette and stares off at the distance where a flowerbed of pink and red dahlias grow.

"You will never find her." She says to him, and it comes out a lot harsher than she expected.

"Who?"

"The one you're looking for."

For a moment, Gojyo thinks very seriously about punching a Goddess in the face. "Fuck you," He says, very deliberately. He doesn't say anything else. He keeps staring at the flowers like he wants to burn them.

She tilts her head back to watch the smoke curl to the sky, and sighs. In the tenth of a blink of an eye, she appears right next to him. "What a pointless little struggle you've got going on here."

Through centuries of watching the Lower World, the Goddess has learned the meaning of the word tragedy.

"Whoever I'm looking for keeps slipping away the last fucking second," Gojyo says quietly. Some people would hear in his voice a sad, gradual sort of surrender. A gentle loss of hope. She hears an explosion, "I know I'm never going to find her but I'll keep trying."

"Why?"

"Because I'm stupid like that," Gojyo says and the Goddess laughs.

"Wherever she is, I hope she can forgive me," He continues. He takes his eyes off the flowers and this time, he looks to the sky.

The Goddess wants to tell him that he's not going to find his mother up there. Instead, she is curious. "What if she doesn't forgive you?"

Gojyo answers, "Then I've got the rest of my life to keep telling her that I'm sorry."

The Goddess has never understood the point of apologizing. It is such a human concept. "Why are you sorry for the things you cannot control?"

Gojyo feels impatient, "Listen, is there a reason why you're here or am I just special?"

"From up there, I can taste the magnitude of your anger but never once did you let it consume you."

"Okay." He rolls his eyes, "Let's try that again but now with a little less crazy talk."

"I feel like you've discovered the secret of the universe."

"Have I?" Gojyo tries to remember if he's done anything profound lately, but aside from teaching Hakkai how to make chicken noodle soup, he comes up with nothing.

The Goddess winks, "You tell me."

Gojyo thinks for a long moment but he does not know what the Goddess means or what the Goddess wants him to say. "The secret is that there is no secret. No one knows what the fuck they're doing, not humans or demons or filthy little halfbreeds like me." He looks at her like a challenge, "Not even gods."

"Oh?"

"We're all falling towards something, towards nothing, towards anything. We're all just trying to stay upright through it."

The Goddess smiles at him, beautifully, and laughs at that too.


End file.
